Harry vs Voldemort
by XQR
Summary: They send sarcastic letters to each other... What will happen? By the way i've only edited it, not revised


A/N: A thing that I started that just carried on and on…

Disclaimer: I own nothing at all, so sad…

Harry vs Voldemort

Dear Potter,

I am writing to tell you that I am bored. I am firing Wormtail, he is an idiot and he is not worthy to serve me.

Hate,

Lord Voldemort.

Dear Tommy,

Why the hell are you writing to me! I have no interest in you because you killed my parents and are trying to kill me! I do agree Wormtail is an idiot; I wouldn't want him serving me.

Hate,

Harry Potter.

Dear Boy Who Lived,

Never call me Tommy! My name is 'Lord Voldemort'. I _am_ your father. Got to go and free my faithful Death Eaters from Azkaban.

Hate,

Lord Voldemort.

Dear Tom,

Don't try that Star Wars crap! I know that you're not my father. I haven't seen your Death Eaters, having trouble freeing them? Why are you still writing to me!

Hate,

The Boy Who Lived.

Dear Boy-Who-Won't-Die,

Star Wars is not crap! It's the best thing that those muggles can come up with! I am freeing my Death Eaters next week. My name is not Tom, it's 'The Dark Lord Voldemort'. And I will write to you whenever I feel like it!

Hate,

The Dark Lord Voldemort.

Dear Man-Who-Won't-Give-Up,

Whose name starts with 'The'? I will call you what I want! You're sending me letters every 5 minutes; you obviously don't have a life.

Hate,

Boy-Who-Doesn't-Think-He's-Enemy-Has-A-Life.

Dear Scarface,

SHUT UP! I do have a life. You obviously don't because you keep replying every 5 minutes. Kill Draco for me, he is weak!

Hate,

The V man.

Dear Man-With-No-Nose,

I do have a life, I try to save the world and crap, I'm famous. I will have the pleasure of killing Draco. What's the key ingredient in that ritual you used to regain your body?

Love,

Harry

Dear Nutter,

Why did you write 'love' on the bottom of my last letter! Don't make fun of my nose! On second thought don't kill Draco. 1. I don't want to cause you pleasure. 2. He can be Wormtail's replacement. Why are you interested in that ritual (key ingredient your blood).

Hate,

Voldemort.

Dear Blah, blah, blah,

I didn't mean to write love on your letter. Look in the mirror and you'll find that your nose is flat. It would be fun to see Draco being Wormtail's replacement.

Hate,

The Chosen One

Dear Bloody-Boy-Who-Won't-Die,

I was already aware that my nose was flat. Write to me tomorrow, I'm going to bed.

Voldemort

NEXT DAY

Dear Man-Who-Kills-People,

To tell the truth you don't really have a nose. Have any nightmares?

Hate,

Potter

Dear Boy-Who-Loves-Mudbloods,

Shut up about my nose, it's a boring subject. I didn't have nightmares by the way. Do you want to be a Death Eater?

Hate,

Voldemort

Dear Riddle,

I do not want to be a Death Eater, are you mad? Your nose is a boring subject.

Harry

Dear -----,

If you were a Death Eater we could talk in person. Why don't you come round my house?

Hate,

Voldemort.

Dear man,

If I came round your house you would try to kill me! And if you hate me why would you want me round your house?

Hate,

Harry

PS. Where is your house?

Dear Harry,

I do not tell people where my house is! We would use a portkey. Give me a subject to talk about.

Hate,

Voldemort.

Dear Tom,

I will think about visiting your house. Talk about your past.

Hate,

Harry

PS. Are we on first name terms?

Dear Potter,

We can be on first name terms. Talk about my past! HA HA HA! Being a spy?

Hate,

Voldemort

Dear Tom,

I am not a spy. Did you know that some person nicked your Slytherin locket? Initials are R.A.B. Any idea who that is?

Hate,

Harry.

Dear Harry,

I didn't know, how did you? R.A.B could be Regulus Black.

Hate,

Lord Voldemort.

PS. Don't know Regulus' middle name.

Dear Tom,

I knew because I went looking for the locket. I will look into Regulus black.

Hate,

Lord Potter.

Dear Snotter,

I shall kill R.A.B and you, both for going after the locket.

V

Dear V,

I can't be bothered to look into the Regulus Black crap. I would like to come round your house.

Hate

Harry

PS. Going to bed now, write tomorrow

NEXT DAY

Dear Harry,

I can't be bothered with Black or R.A.B at the minute. Why do you want to come round my house all of a sudden?

Hate,

Voldemort

Dear Tom,

I would like to come round to talk to you, please don't kill me if I do. How about Saturday? We will have all day.

Hate,

Harry.

Dear Harry,

Saturday is fine. The portkey will be a red sweet wrapper next to your bed. Don't tell anyone; come at around 11am-ish. If you tempt me I might try to kill you, so just don't annoy me.

From

Voldemort.

PS. Killed Wormtail last night. 

Dear T. M. Riddle,

I will probably come round. This is only a short message because this is my last bit of parchment. I will write to you when I get some more.

From,

Potter.

Dear H. J. Potter,

Please come over because this is also my last piece of parchment. I have no idea when I will get more.

Hate,

Riddle.

PS. How will you do your homework?

I have parchment put away for homework, don't ask more questions as this is a piece of it. Harry.

NEXT WEEK

Dear Harry,

Did you have fun at my house? I got loads more parchment. Would you like to help me free my Death Eaters tomorrow? I have sent you a piece of parchment incase you haven't brought any more. Does anyone know if you're writing to me?

From

The Dark Lord

Dear 'The Dark Lord',

Being at your house was fun. Very interesting. Thanks for the parchment, I too have brought loads more. I am busy tomorrow and to tell the truth, I don't want your Death Eaters running round (I know you want your adult friends back who you can see any time). I don't know if you consider me an enemy or a friend, I mean we want to kill each other but I'm came over your house for crying out loud! I don't think that anyone knows that we have contact with each other, not even Ron or Hermione! Can I tell them?

Your friend? or enemy?

Harry Potter

PS. Does your name really start with 'The'?

Dear The Light Lord,

Glad that you had fun. I don't care what you think about my Death Eaters, I am freeing them! Of course I want my friends back, I can only write to you and you're always at school. I suppose you are my friend except when it's the end of the year and we are killing each other. Can I come to your 'house' (dormitory or common room)? Who is Ron and who is Hermione? You can't tell them until I know who they are. My name does not start with 'The' it starts with a 'V'.

Voldemort.

Dear Tom a.k.a Voldie,

What is with this 'Light Lord' stuff? Oh yeah, it's almost the end of the year, better start hating me! Have you got your plan to kill me? I don't have a plan; I never really do have one at the end of the year. Of course you can come to my common room (at your own risk!). Have you ever been in the Gryffindor common room? Ron and Hermione are my best friends and I tell them almost everything. Can I tell them?

Hate,

Harryermione are my best friends and I tell them almost everything.Hermione are

Dear Harry a.k.a Harry,

I felt like calling you the Light Lord because I am the Dark Lord, don't question me. I might not write back but if I do then there will be lots of hatred in it. I am planning now; I will not give you any hint. I will come to your common room tomorrow, two in the morning, make sure that no one is there! I have been in the Gryffindor common room. Do not tell Ron or Hermione yet.

Hate,

Dark Lord

Dear Man-I-Must-Hate,

Please write me hatred letters, I enjoy them, do you? Tomorrow is fine, looking forward to it. When can I tell, you said not yet, so when? The next letter will be almost pure hatred.

Hate you loads,

Light Lord

NEXT DAY

Dear IDIOTIC BOY,

I love hatred letters, I enjoy writing them. You can tell your friends after our meeting.

Hate you more than my Father,

Voldemort

PS. Enjoyed being in your common room.

Dear I-Think-I'm-The-Best,

I am so glad that you hate me more than your father, it brings me joy! Should I change my name to Tom Riddle? Why did you want my blood if you hate me so much? Did you know that we are related by blood? Are you my half brother?

Hate you more than Snape,

The-Boy-Who-Is-Better-Than-You

PS. My friends were watching us in the common room, they think I'm a loony for having contact with you.

Dear Snotter,

Do not change your name to Tom Riddle because that is my name. I have no idea why I wanted your blood if it makes us related, it just seemed important at the time. I shall kill you for letting your friends watch us.

HATE,

The-Best-Person-In-The-World

Dear 1st-Class-Idiot,

Don't worry, I always hated the name Tom Riddle, it'll never be my name. You never think about anything that you do! IDIOT! I look forward to my death.

Can't-Wait-To-Die,

Best-Gryffindor-EVER!

Dear Mrs.Potty,

I do think about things that I do! I thought about what child to kill, Potter or Longbottom? I think that you will find that you are the idiot! I too look forward to your death; it will be a pleasure to kill you.

Can't wait to use Avada Kedavra,

The-Best-Ever-Dark-Lord-Voldemort

Dear Red Eyes,

If you had really thought about whom to kill you would have picked Longbottom, he would have been easy to defeat seeing as his mum is not a muggle. Therefore you are the idiot! I am so looking forward to seeing the green light, I can't sleep at night.

See you soon,

I-Love-Sarcasm

PS. I am not a girl.

Dear Four Eyes,

I did think because I decided that I wanted a challenge. HA! I've been practicing my Avada Kedavra's so that you will get a nice full blast, very nice. Should I come into your dreams again? You would definitely not be able to sleep. You will be seeing green lights sooner than you think.

See you very soon,

VOLDEMORT.

Dear I-Am-Lord-Voldemort,

This whole You-Did/didn't-Think thing is getting boring so let's shut up! I can not wait to see your wonderful spells. PLEASE come into my dreams as it will make me SO happy.

Like the sarcasm?

HARRY

XXX

Dear Sarcastic little pig,

I got bored with that subject too. I know, my spells_ are_ the best. Of course, I _love_ the sarcasm. You are a sarcastic little pig with those kisses at the end of the last letter. I thought that we had to hate each other!

Puke on you,

He who can not be named :P

Dear Guy-who-hates-me,

Yawn! You bore me to tears! Let's just get this over with! I mean I've destroyed your horcruxes so you should be dead soon. Then after I've killed you, you'll have shut up forever! MUHAHAHAHA!

BANG BANG you're dead,

Person-who-will-kill-you

Dear ,

You going to use guns? Whatever! I didn't know that you destroyed my horcruxes! You THING! You're not evil so don't do evil laughs!

I have nothing to say to you.

Anti-gun man

Dear Dead Man,

MUHAHAHAHA! I killed you, your ghost can haunt me but I killed you! I mean like wasn't it cool when I made my wand a gun? Anyway you're dead so what do I care!

BYE DEAD DUDE!

Lord who controls Voldemort!

Dear Live Man,

I shall haunt you forever and still send you letters whenever I feel like it and you can't stop me! **MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Beat that evil laugh!

The dead man (not for long though)

Oh yeah, I don't think that you found out or killed R. A. B. You didn't manage to free your Death Eaters either. It was nice talking to you.

Harry.

A/N: Yes! 50 letters! It took me weeks to write this, I'll try to write the sequel (maybe). Please review! If you liked this one check out my Dynasty Warriors one as well!


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